The move known internally as “Operation Mâché” was originally thought to be a children’s play scheme until a wikileaks cable exposed the short term plan to replace a third of active emergency services staff with cardboard cutouts. Plans were actioned over Christmas with less than subtle replacements strategically timed when most were simply too drunk to notice.
The Tory government having failed to completely demoralise the police service via cutting training, funding, pensions and aggressive outsourcing decided to just start bolstering numbers with the prop up coppers. The wikileaks exposé goes on to reveal that the second stage of police replacements are cardboard PCSO’s, these will be only be allowed to be placed in areas where problematic anti social behaviour arises, and if require assistance have to wait for a cardboard police officer to be mailed over and unboxed.
Despite clear failings such as being completely inanimate and not weatherproof Tory backbenches ruled in favour stating “Given they don’t need need pensions, training, food, or water, they’re necessary for austerity” The arrest record by the new officers however remains worrying low, a solitary arrest was made in Skegness where a 19 year old high on a cocktail of drugs tripped over one knocking himself unconscious, despite this Tory representatives said the arrest record was “Above expectations”
Active beat patrols however have so far been met with mixed success, during a trial heavy rain caused severe attrition “It was like a low budget version of The Terminator” remarked eye witness Dan Gaison “That bit at the end where Arnie lowers himself into the lava, I guess it was a paper mâché equivalent of that”
Keep your eyes peeled on the hottest days of the year as swathes of new cut out firemen will be deployed over the summer, fires will be dealt with via a fleet of firemen folded up and sent first class recorded delivery.
