The ‘Spoons app, a popular choice for under 25’s, the lazy, or both, allows the full gamut of the Wetherspoons menu to be delivered to your table with minimal effort or social interaction, punters nationwide were left reeling at news that a staggering one hundred and forty two percent of these app orders were spat in, or worse, by disgruntled staff.
The shock findings came after a police investigation, initiated by off duty detective John Kimble,
“Most nights I’d go straight from the station to the quiet local ‘Spoons, having spent all day at my desk I’d reach for my phone and use the app to order a single pint of Ruddles to my favourite table, I’ve always been a fan of this table as it’s closest to the door and furthest away from the hustle and bustle of the bar”
But Kimbles seemingly harmless routine began to go awry, and with his keenly trained police intuition it didn’t take long, a mere few months, for John to realise that something wasn’t quite right.
“Seemingly the more I went in the more the staff were being needlessly curt, at several points I’d noticed some kind of small frothy liquid on the surface of my pint, fearing some kind of terrorist attack, or worse some kind of discrimination or hate crime, I knew it was time to enact my police powers”
What followed was a 26 week sting operation in collaboration with 4 neighbouring counties drafting in an enormous 550 police officers, with 253 Wetherspoons pubs investigated, the results were staggering.
“We frankly just couldn’t believe what we were seeing, we got it all on tape, staff calling our undercover officers fat, lazy, dickheads, which is hard to swallow as when it comes to my officers usually only 1, or maybe 2 of those insults is correct.”
The crucial case breakthrough came when one female member of staff seemingly cracked as an undercover officer “in character” asked for “A smile luv” her outburst changed the dynamic of the case “I’ve just bought you 5 single pints over, what else do you want me to do? Wipe your arse?”
“It was absolutely massive for the case” Remarked Kimble “Previously we had officers ordering a wide array of food and drink to find out the source of hate, with this breakthrough I knew we could spearhead the operation by getting officers to focus on pints of beer, with the end of summer coming and a rich sporting calendar to work with, I knew we had to strike while the iron was hot”
What followed was a further 12 week nationwide operation drafting in as many police resources as possible with a recent FOI request stating a total cost of around £15,000,000, eventually investigating a further 566 Wetherspoon pubs.
The trial continues into the weekend, Wetherspoons have declined to make a statement but at the time of writing the Wetherspoons app has been removed from both Apple and Android platforms.
